To be deleted, soon.

Am I ready.

It's been 6 years, it sounds a long time, yes it is a long time. Am I ready to get in to a relationship again? There are many reasons why I've not been ready and I suppose I'll only scratch the surface of why my gates have been closed, but I'll have a go.

Twice married and some Living in things, all failed. Some doomed from the start, but at the time I did not care. Drift in relationships, they happen, which you know is wrong but 'Hey' it's the easy option.

My first marriage was great, she was funny, attractive, intelligent and nice to be with. We were always poor, just making electric bills, just making the mortgage payments but life was good. She (and it's not all her fault, don't get me wrong) was always the last to leave a party, she never left until all the booze was gone, even in the very early days she had the signs of a drink problem. I liked a drink, always have and always will, but I can take it or leave it.
Anyway later, as we got better off she started drinking heavy. I would find bin bags of empties in her wardrobe. She started to study Law, she had a degree in history & politics and managed to get on the CPE, it means Common professional Exam.
She met lots of bright young things. Things went down hill from there, I had started to earn enough for her to drink and she drank. It ended in tears, mine.

I spent some time in the wilderness but it was easy for me and soon fell into a number of quick relationships. I was a single parent but was lucky to have neighbours who's daughter was the same age. They use to bunk down at my house a few nights a week and my daughter would stay with them. It gave me time to get out.

Wife No 2.

When I met my second wife my life was a bit of a mess. My daughter was still living with me but was old enough to look after herself.
I had three girl friends at the time, which as you can imagine took a bit of energy and organisation.
My daughter likes to remind me of the time one of my girl friends was in the house and one of the other girls phoned up.
The daughter was saying as little as possible to the one on the phone when the front door had a knock, she answered to find my future wife standing there. It was difficult.
I did the decent thing that week and phoned them all and told them it was all off, no explanation, just it was finished.

So I went into my second marriage with a fairly poor reputation, which I deserved.
I vowed I would never play around and I didn't,...... really.
It was her, she fell hook, line and sinker for one of my distant mates. It was all down hill once again. It took 2 years of being deceived and me trying to prove she was cheating. They held the story all that time, but he moved in less than 24 hours after I packed my bags.

She's still one of my buddies, I never hold a grudge to long. He got kicked out after 3 weeks, shell shocked I believe.
She came round this week with a bottle of wine and we watched a football match, but that was because of trouble at work and she needed a shoulder to cry on.  Or was it?

I will have to delete this post after a week or so, you'll understand.
Not that number 2 goes on the net, she can't even change channels on the TV, and number 1 has passed away.

So, where to next?

I've more or less painted myself into a corner, emotionally. I've trashed and been trashed, and in all this turmoil the one thing I have learnt is.......you only get one go at being trusted. After that no matter how hard you try, it's gone.

Six years, it's a long time.
Eventually you like living on your own, I'm getting worse because I now have radio free days, whole days where it's just me rattling around in my head. I think there is no hope.

I'll stick a photo in, this was about the time I was living on my own. The daughter stayed with me most of the time.